Once upon a time in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, there was a little girl who was beloved by everyone, especially her grandmother. People called her Little Red Riding Hood for she always wore a red velvet cap and hood.
While taking a short-cut through the campus of the Medical College of Wisconsin on her way to her grandmother's house for lunch one day, Little Red Riding Hood ran into Dr. Clarence Grim, a public health research wolf.
Grim had just returned from Anaheim, California, where, at the annual meeting of the American College of Cardiologists, he had just announced that Oscar Mayer Lunchables (pre-packaged meals for children containing meat cheese, crackers and dessert) contain nearly 75 percent of the recommended daily salt allowance. "We think this is junk being fed to our kids. I call it a blood pressure bomb," he said at the meeting.
"Good day, Little Red Riding Hood," said the public health research wolf. "Where are you off to?"
"To my grandmother's for lunch," replied Little Red Riding Hood.
"What are you carrying under your apron?" he asked.
"Lunch for grandmother and me. It's my favorite treat, Oscar Mayer Lunchables!"
"Oscar Mayer Lunchables?!" exclaimed Grim. "Didn't you hear about my new study in which I fed FOUR rats ALL the Lunchables they could eat for three weeks, after which the rats' blood pressure increased by 20 percent?"
Little Red Riding Hood was puzzled. "Why Dr. Grim, who would eat only Lunchables? It's my favorite treat, but it's not the only thing I eat. Mother makes sure I eat a balanced diet and avoids letting me overeat. Besides Dr. Grim, I'm not a rat."
"And where does your grandmother live?" asked Grim.
"On the other side of the campus. Oh, look at the time. I must be off, Dr. Grim. Grandmother's expecting me!"
So Little Red Riding Hood trotted off to her grandmothers, Oscar Mayer Lunchables in hand.
The public health research wolf thought to himself, "Hmmm, that tender young thing is too smart for her own good. I must devour her before the rest of the world finds out how bad my Lunchables study is."
With that, Grim sped off to grandmother's house where he quickly swallowed the grandmother.
Sometime later, Little Red Riding Hood arrived. She walked in and found her "grandmother" resting in bed.
"Good afternoon, Grandmother. How are you today?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"Come here, my child," said Grandmother in an unusually hoarse voice. Little Red Riding Hood approached.
"Grandmother," Little Red Riding Hood began, "I ran into that awful public health research wolf in the woods. He tried to scare me with his bogus study about salt in Lunchables. But he couldn't fool me. If you're interested, I brought along my copy of the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition with the article that concluded
...The average daily sodium intake by children and adolescents exceeds recommended amounts. Despite the high sodium intake among children, there are few data showing that decreased sodium intake lowers blood pressure. Children who do express blood pressure sensitivity to sodium intake also have related risk factors for cardiovascular disease such as a positive family history or obesity...[1997;65(suppl):618S-621S]
In the same issue, there was another article that said
Blood pressure responses to increases and decreases in dietary salt intake are heterogeneous. In some hypertensive individuals, decreases in blood pressure with salt restriction are clinically significant and approach that achieved with medication. In others, little or no change in blood pressure occurs, whereas in still others, blood pressure may actually increase with salt restriction. [1997;65(suppl):612S-617S]
So you see, Grandmother, his study is just more dietary terrorism by those awful public health research wolves."
Little Red Riding Hood looked up at her grandmother. "Gee Grandmother, I never noticed what large ears you have."
"The better to hear you with."
"And what big eyes you have."
"The better to see you with."
"Grandmother, what a terribly large mouth you have."
"The better to devour you with, you little junk science debunker!" screamed the public health research wolf. With that, he lunged for Little Red Riding Hood.
Little Red Riding Hood pulled off her hood. It wasn't her after all! It was the Junkman!
Realizing his grave mistake, the public health research wolf turned to run. But the Junkman grabbed the wolf by the tail and made him eat his words. The public health research wolf choked on his own junk science.
Little Red Riding Hood came running in the room and hugged the Junkman. Whereupon, the Junkman broke into the 1960's hit Little Red Riding Hood by Sam the Sham and the Pharohs,
Little Red Riding Hood I don't think little big girls should Go walkin' in these Spooky old woods alone. (Owwwwwwwwwww!) And everyone lived happily ever after. The End.
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