MEMO TO: Chairman of the Board, RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co.
FROM: Director, Albert Gore Tobacco Research Center
You asked me to get back to you as soon as we thought the time was right. It'll never be more right. I'm convinced this is the way to go. In fact I've just finished a delicious salad--it's a sort of Caesar thing we've worked up here in the lab--and the garlic and anchovies nicely balance the bitter taste of the greens. It could work, but we have to move quickly. This is five-minutes-to-midnight work we're doing here.
We've had 1,000 test cases. Just regular families. They've thrown their cigarettes away. Every morning they wake up and run to the kitchen for a cup of coffee and a big bowl of greens. Sometimes they add a hard-boiled egg, and sometimes they pour on the Newman's Own. For lunch they pack bacon, tobacco and tomato sandwiches or little Tupperware boxes full of bright leaf greens with vinegar and oil. The whole family is in this together. Mothers who had to beat their kids to get them to eat lettuce can't keep enough tobacco in the fridge. The kids finish one salad and immediately want another.
We could change the course of history here. What I want to see--and call me a dreamer--is a surgeon general's notice that says: "Tobacco is part of a well-balanced diet, rich in fiber and antioxidants." I want to write the first tobacco cookbook.
The taste is a slight problem. But it was a problem back when smoking started. My first salad struck me as bitter and a little too chewy. But I got over it. It's an acquired taste, just like cigarettes were. Now it's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and my last thought at night. Besides, if we can boost the nicotine high enough, people won't care what it tastes like. We've also tried it in soup and it's not bad. On Big Macs it's delicious. And when we put it in sushi, the test population went wild.
Most amazing is that our test people made the transfer from smoking to eating without breaking stride. When they get nervous and worried, they reach for a tobacco salad. As soon as a meal is over, they sit back and call for a bowl of greens. And after sex, couples dash to the refrigerator hoping to find a full crisper.
I knew you'd ask this question so I got the answer in advance: The movie people are completely cool with this. Our guys in H'wood say they can write salads into anything. Leonardo's been trying to quit (the guy has no will power, but you didn't hear it from me), and he will lead the way. It's a little tricky in period pieces, but we just have to heighten the concept.
Lastly, we've had some thoughts on marketing. Fresh tobacco has to be kept cold, in the produce section, next to the radicchio (boy, are those guys in trouble!). It should be sprayed with cold water or packaged in clear plastic for longer shelf life. We thought the brand label--the cowboy, the camel, whatever--could be molded into the lid, with the little surgeon general thing displayed prominently.
The weird thing is, sir, the stuff really is good for you. It's got chlorophyll, some vitamins, fiber and minerals, all of which used to go to waste. And in a salad it actually makes your breath smell better. Especially the menthol stuff.
If you can get the board together, we can spring it on them on short notice, but not too suddenly. Remember, these guys have been on the wrong side of the issue for so long, it may come as a shock to be selling something healthy. We thought a nice smorgasbord would be fitting-and I'll dress up as Johnny the Bellhop.
One last thing: shelf life. Fresh tobacco stays green for about three weeks in a produce cooler. Then it starts to turn brown. After six weeks it's pretty dried out and crinkly, and has to be thrown away. Of course, at that point you could always smoke it.
Mr. Danziger is an editorial cartoonist.
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